Issued by Kit · Maine Coon Mix · Director of Household Standards · Resident Philosopher
The following policies have been developed over years of careful observation, repeated disappointment, and the gradual realization that if standards are not written down, they will not be followed. They will not be followed even if they are written down. I am writing them down anyway.
These policies are effective immediately, retroactively, and in perpetuity. Ignorance of the policies is not a defense. Neither is being a dog.
Governing the acquisition, assignment, and maintenance of cardboard enclosures
The household shall maintain, at all times, a minimum of three (3) active boxes in good structural condition. This is not a preference. This is a requirement. The distinction is important.
Section 1.2 — Designated PositionsAll incoming packages shall be processed as follows: the contents shall be removed and placed wherever Lynne intends to place them. The box shall then be made available for inspection. Inspection takes as long as it takes. There is no expedited process.
Section 1.4 — The Relocation ProhibitionNo box shall be moved without prior notice of no less than forty-five (45) minutes, during which I will sit in the doorway and communicate my position through sustained, dignified silence. Failure to provide notice does not prevent relocation. It simply means I will remember it.
A comprehensive framework for the evaluation and management of non-resident humans
All guests shall be subject to a mandatory evaluation period upon arrival. The duration of this period is determined solely by me and is not subject to negotiation, acceleration, or the phrase "he's usually friendlier than this."
Section 2.2 — Approach ProtocolGuests may not approach me. I will approach guests when and if I determine that approach is warranted. Guests who attempt to approach me will be regarded with the full weight of my assessment, which is considerable.
Section 2.3 — Prohibited ActionsThe belly is not available to guests. The belly is not available to most people. The belly is a matter of trust, and trust is earned over time through consistent demonstration of appropriate behavior. Guests have not demonstrated appropriate behavior. They have just arrived.
Section 2.5 — ExceptionsGuests who arrive carrying bags that smell interesting are granted provisional access to Sections 2.1 through 2.4, pending investigation of the bag. The bag investigation takes priority over all other evaluations.
A tiered framework governing all forms of physical interaction, with particular attention to the belly question
The following areas are generally available for contact, subject to mood assessment, timing, and my overall evaluation of the situation:
The following areas require explicit invitation, which I will communicate through sustained eye contact, slow blinking, or the act of placing myself in proximity to your hand. Proximity is not permission. It is an opening for negotiation.
The belly is displayed as a gesture of trust. It is not an invitation. These are different things. I want to be very clear about this because it has been a source of ongoing confusion.
When I expose my belly, I am saying: I feel safe enough to be vulnerable in your presence. I am not saying: please touch the vulnerable area. The distinction is significant. The consequences of ignoring it are immediate and proportionate.
Occasionally, under specific conditions of temperature, time of day, and my own inscrutable internal calculus, I will permit belly contact. I will not announce this in advance. You will know it is permitted because I will not immediately end the interaction. Do not make it weird.
A formal statement of non-recognition, with supporting rationale
I do not recognize Monday as a meaningful unit of time. I recognize: the quality of light through the east window, the temperature of the floor, the precise moment when the heating vent activates, and whether my bowl has been filled to the correct level. None of these things change based on what humans have decided to call the day.
Section 4.2 — Observed PhenomenaI have noted that Lynne experiences something she calls "Monday dread," which manifests as a particular quality of sighing, an extended relationship with her phone upon waking, and the use of the word "Monday" in a tone that suggests it has personally wronged her.
I have observed this phenomenon for several years. I have not been able to determine what Monday has done to deserve this. I have also not been able to determine why she continues to acknowledge it.
Section 4.3 — Official RecommendationI went back to sleep. I recommend this approach. The heating vent came on at 6:08, as it does. The sunbeam arrived at 9:47, as it does. The bowl was filled at the correct time. Monday, as far as I can determine, is entirely a human problem, and I decline to participate in it.
A nuanced and carefully considered statement, informed by direct experience
Dogs are, as a category, a lot. They are loud. They are enthusiastic in ways that I find exhausting to observe. They have no apparent concept of personal space, appropriate volume, or the value of sitting quietly and thinking about things. I have noted these characteristics over years of observation and I stand by my assessment.
Section 5.2 — The Oreo ExceptionI lived with a dog named Oreo for several years. He was a Papillon. He was, by any objective measure, a lot. He was fast. He was happy in a way that I found, at first, aggressive, and then, over time, difficult to resist entirely.
I want to be precise about what I am about to say, because I do not want it to be misinterpreted or used against me in future policy discussions.
Oreo was acceptable. He was, in fact, occasionally good company. I did not tell him this. I maintained my position. But I noticed when he was gone, and I looked for him for longer than I will acknowledge in writing.
Section 5.3 — Revised General PositionDogs are, as a category, a lot. Some specific dogs, under specific circumstances, over extended periods of time, may be evaluated on an individual basis. This does not change the general position. It creates a narrow exception to it.
The exception is narrow. Do not push it.
These policies represent my current positions. They are subject to revision at my discretion, without notice, for reasons I will not explain. Previous versions of these policies, if any existed, are hereby superseded.
I want to be clear that the existence of these policies does not mean I expect them to be followed. I have been alive long enough to understand that humans will do what they will do, and that my role is to observe, assess, and respond accordingly.
I am always watching. I always notice. I always remember.
That is all.
Comments & Objections
Kit reads all comments. He does not respond to most of them. He has noted them.
I would like to formally object to Section 1.4. The forty-five minute notice requirement is not practical when vacuuming. Also, I did move the box back. He got in it within the hour. I feel this undermines his stated position.
Getting back in the box does not undermine my position. It confirms that the box, once returned to its correct location, was again acceptable. These are different things. The policy stands. The vacuuming schedule should be adjusted accordingly.
woof
I have no comment on this. I am choosing not to have a comment on this. Please move on.
Leave a Comment or Objection
Kit will read it. He will not necessarily respond. He will note it.